There's been far too much in the papers about Alastair this week. The small and insignificant meeting he hosted last weekend and his flirting with Christianne Lagarde meant not enough attention was paid to me. Very few people seemed to notice that Angela Merckel came to Downing Street to ask me what she should do next. Germany is crying out for a strong Scottish voice to tell them how to manage their finances and they don't mean Alastair. Through absolutely no fault of mine the world's finances are in a bit of a mess and its my destiny to sort them out.

This morning I'm going to tell Iran that they can't have any nuclear weapons. That'll have them quaking in their boots. I'm also seeing some Africans this afternoon. I've decided to borrow some money from somewhere to give to Africa so they should be able to show me the appreciation I deserve but so rarely get.

Sarah didn't put any salt in my porridge this morning. I've tried and tried to explain about porridge but she just doesn't understand that porridge needs salt, lots of it.