Under New Management

I am sorry to report that Mr Brown, a strong and stable character whose views I admire enormously, is indisposed. The Today programme has always been a great fan of Mr Brown and we intend to continue fighting in Mr Brown's corner to ensure the continuing success of the Labour Party. We plan to make clear how we intend to campaign for the downfall of the present coalition government and we know that our fellow important journalists and presenters our guidelines.

John Humphreys gave a master class this morning in how to prevent listeners hearing about government policy. Chris Huhne wanted to inform the public about the government's energy policy - how much electricity we need/use, how we can get it, should we cut down, what's the best method of delivering it, etc. John was having none of that. Whatever a presenter does he must never allow the public to be told about the government's policies by an elected Minister. Oh no. John cleverly confined the conversation to accusations about Huhne's past beliefs. "You didn't used to think that". It must be made plain to the LibDems that the Today programme does not consider them to be proper politicians and that the people who voted for them are misguided and will vote Labour the next time.

Later in the programme, John also managed to put in a good word for the necessity of PR and spin. He and I, and indeed many of our fellow important and influential presenters, supplement our meagre BBC incomes by hiring ourselves out to PR functions in return for generous fees so its always a good idea to insert PR for PR into the programme to ensure a continued income stream from that lucrative source.

Perhaps I should just mention that I am an educated man with degrees from Aberdeen and New York. Unfortunately John did not attend university and so you cannot expect from him the same well-informed and skillfully-presented reasoning as you will come to appreciate from me.

They hid this blog but I've found it again now. I'll have to keep the password - "Mr Brilliant" -in my porridge tin where Sarah and Ed can't find it.I've sent a message to Chilcott that if he asks any difficult questions tomorrow then he'll be dead meat. I can rely on the rest of the panel to do what they're told. After all I chose them and they know which side their bread is buttered. Chilcott and that other Englishman Lyne might be a problem but the other three were chosen specially their habits of bending the facts to suit their purposes. Its a talent I also modestly claim for myself. But there'll be n o need tomorrow because everything I did was right and I shall tell them so.Sarah says I've put on a bit of weight since I started snacking on banana and KitKat sandwiches with IrnBru. What am I supposed to eat when those low life scum in the kitchens don't know how to make bridies, tatties and neeps? I'll have to wear my new truss and if anyone says anything about my stiff walk, and that means you Geoffrey No-Job Hoon, then I'll make sure they're toast. That bastard Ashcroft's been found not guilty of anything. Well we'll see about that. I reminded that unshaven inadequate Mark Thompson who's responsible for deciding on the size of the license fee. Me. I told him to lead the 9 o'clock news on a story about Ashcroft robbing the bank of England at gunpoint and he had the cheek to ask me for details. Never mind about details, I told him. After you've talked about nothing else for two weeks you can say it was mistake.
Labels: Chilcott

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We won the Glenrothes by-election and we didn't destroy the evidence

I'm glad to see those tuppenny losers Alastair and Peter have arranged for the press to be tipped off about about McNulty. It had to be done to distract them from the Glenrothes by-election inquiry. It would be a catastrophe of cataclysmic propertions if anything happened to deprive the country or the world of my irreplaceable economic talents. McNulty's not even Scottish so he's easily expendable.

Its a pity the Tory Tax story didn't take off as we planned. Someone needs to make it plain to Nick Robinson that his job, his future and his life depend on the Labour Party, with me at the helm, winning the next election.

Jade Goody, the twin I never had

My image managers, not that I need image managers but they play an insignificant role in the lives of with men of my high rank, said I have to say something about Jade Goody. They say we have so much in common. One of them, Andrew I think his name is, muttered that we had both monopolised the media and pretended to have a mandate from the public against all evidence to the contrary. I shall expect a fulsome apology from him once he has recovered from that nasty cut on his forehead.

I do know that Jade Goody, like myself, was frequently and mistakenly accused of being slightly plump.

A little bit of sunshine

Its about time the tightwad English taxpayers opened their wallets to show their appreciation of my success in piloting the country to pole position in the top ten of the world's best countries.

Sarah says she likes a bit of sunshine at this time of year so I've told one of the unimportant people work in the office to fix up a luxury break in the southern hemisphere.

They've come up with Chile which I'm told is pleasantly warm at this time of year and I can expect a bit of bowing and scraping from the Ambassador if he wants to keep his job.

That ashen-faced loon Miliband has taken to following me round like shit on a shoe so I'll have to think of some way to shake him off. I can't leave him in London or he'll be swanning round giving interviews and pretending he's me.

Me and my friend Nicholas Sarkozy

I love visiting my friend Nicholas Sarkozy who always takes me in his warm embrace and holds me close. Thank goodness his wife wasn't there yesterday to spoil things.

Dum de dum de dum de dum

Peter, or Your Lordship as he likes to be called, introduced me to his doctor. He suggested I took some strong tablets because he thought I was looking a bit peely wally but I refused until he gave in and put them on a teaspoon with my favourite Scottish loganberry jam. I have to keep a sharp eye on Peter. He wants me to sign a Power of Attorney in case I "become incapacitated". I have no intention of becoming incapacitated surrounded as I am by traitors and anyway he doesn't know that I've already signed one in favour of Dougie, or maybe it was Ed.

Barroso has put out the word already about the need to honour my great achievements in the field of economics. The Italian mafia have responded with a proposal to honour me with a Nobel Prize which of course I shall accept to please the Committee. The Ities want something in return of course which I'm sure can be arranged. I like to spread my largesse far and wide except among the English who must be kept away from quangoes, art galleries, the BBC and the House of Lords at all costs.